Top 30 Seinfeld Characters

The staff members here at Old-Wizard are in unanimous agreement that Seinfeld is the best TV show ever created. While not ostensibly having anything to do with the prevalent “nerd” theme of the site, we can leap beyond the formal bounds of logic and make the connections regardless. George? C’mon, This guy has got to be the coolest uptight 4-eyed nerd we have ever seen on TV. Kramer? Who else in modern sitcoms has been described as a “Hipster Doofus”? Elaine? Only the nerdiest of nerds dances as poorly as Elaine does. The list goes on and on as nerds can be seen everywhere in the show from Newman to Babu. So while at first it seems like a “Top 30 characters of Seinfeld” list seems out of reach for the basic theme of the website, at closer inspection, it seems somewhat appropriate. Like all our lists, we thought long and hard about who would be included. For this “Top Characters of Seinfeld” list specifically, we had to increase the list to 30 after all the noticeable omissions we were making in the original top 20 list. Theoretically, we could have even made a top 40 list that would have included most of the minor characters in the Seinfeld series, but some of the roles were so small, it would be difficult to write anything on them, beyond their desiderate one liners. Being satisfied at 30, we present you with the definitive “greatest characters in Seinfeld” list.

30. Jimmy

Jimmy is the first person we meet in TV history who speaks in the third person. It takes a while for the main characters of Seinfeld to realize that Jimmy is refering to himself when speaking. Elaine especially is confused by this when seeking a name of a “hot guy” at the gym. How could Elaine have known that Jimmy was referring to himself when he said “Jimmy’s got the hot’s for you!”? Jimmy would prove to be one of the more peculiar characters in Seinfeld history not just for his 3rd person parlance, but also for his riddelin-induced personality, always on his toes and ebullient about the smallest of YMCA basketball games. Jimmy would be hospitalized by slipping on some of Kramer’s water that was spilling out of his mouth. This in turn would lead to a scene with Jimmy punching Kramer in the mouth leading to Kramer’s appearance as a mentally disabled person living on his own in New York City. Among other 3rd person referentials conspicuously coming out of Jimmy’s mouth were “Look who took the bread out of Jimmy’s mouth!”, “Jimmys going into shock!”, “Hand’s off Jimmy! Everyone, Don’t touch Jimmy!”. Anyone who talks like this has to be included not only on a “Best characters of Seinfeld” list, but a “Best TV characters of all time” list. Who among us would not take the chance to befriend someone in real life so odd? Imagine all the people you could confuse if you had a friend who naturally spoke like this?

29. Ramon “the Pool Guy”

In case anyone forgot, Ramon is the “Pool Guy”, and as a “Pool Guy”, it’s understandable that he may not have a lot of friends. After seeing Jerry outside a movie in the 7th season, he asks Jerry to hang out, which Jerry casually accepts. Little did Jerry know that Ramon would turn this befriending request into a full on “best friends forever” relationship. Ramon’s nerdy friends giggle at Jerry when they see him asking him “How did it go with Ramon?” as if Jerry and Ramon were 8th grade daters. It’s on a fateful day in the subway though that Jerry gets in the subway before Ramon can get in, with Jerry quipping “I’m sorry Ramon, but I already have enough friends”, disparaging the lonely friend-seeking Poolman into a hissy fit on par with the most love-sick of teenage girls. Jerry would have trouble shaking Ramon at the gym where he swims and works out with Ramon interfering in Jerry’s swimming every time he went across the middle of the pool. Ramon would crash the pool stick against Jerry’s swimming for Jerry’s ostensible apostasy. Ramon is an un-self-conscious character just looking to have simple fun, not worrying about how girly he can come across sometimes in his friendship. Little did he know that he was dealing with the most critical of self-conscious New Yorkers.

28. Franklin Delano Romanowski (FDR)

Franklin Delano Romanowski (FDR) was a friend of Kramer’s who had it in for Kramer. We don’t know why he had it in for Kramer for much of the episode, but we see FDR’s blowing out of candles at his own birthday party looking shifty eyed at Kramer when he was apparently making a wish. We learn later that he wished Kramer to “drop dead”, putting Kramer in a tizzy. Kramer would go on to seek Newman’s birthday wish to counter-act FDR’s wish for Kramer to drop dead. Hilarious scenes developed with both FDR and Kramer pulling out there eye lashes to counter-act each others wish for Kramer to drop dead. Kramer would try to up the deadly wishes of FDR by wishing on a shooting star when no one was around, but we learn that FDR also wished on that shooting star knowing that Kramer may wish back for his life on it. This childish behavior could only strike at the childishness of the viewers who saw this absurdity as pure entertainment. We learn at the end of the episode that 2 years ago, Kramer threw a mighty snowball at FDR outside of the coffee shop they usually eat in. It’s this snowball that caused havoc on Kramer’s life and put him in serious jeopardy of FDR’s lugubrious wishes. Seinfeld viewers all wish they could see more of FDR.

27. Keith Hernandez

Keith Hernandez becomes the arch enemy for the main characters of Seinfeld. For Newman and Kramer, he was a wretched, abject baseball player willing to spit on fans that dislike his play. For Jerry and Elaine, he was a marvelous baseball player with a nice thick mustache and handsome looks. Jerry develops a sort of man crush on Keith when they meet at the gym and Keith tells Jerry that he likes his act. After all the coquettishness, Keith asks Jerry to “hang out”. He doesn’t call Jerry for awhile evoking Jerry into a frantic school girl disposition. This becomes even further developed when Keith meets Elaine and they start to hit it off making Jerry wildly jealous asking Elaine, “Did you even watch game 7?” Keith proving to be the consummately sought-out man’s man would not be providentially recognized by everyone though. Kramer and Newman remember being spitted on by Keith at a game they attended because they quipped at him “Nice game pretty boy”. The reconstruction of the whole event parodying JFK, even made Jerry reenact a crime scene to show how impossible it was for spit to hit Kramer and then ricochet into Newman. We learn that the real spitter was Roger Mcdowell and all is well again with Kramer and Newman joining the “I love Keith Hernandez” club by helping him move his furniture out of his current residence. What do we learn from Keith Hernandez in Seinfeld? Not much…Just that both men and women can have crushes on famous baseball players.

26. The Caddy

The Caddy appears in episode 122 when we witness Kramer befriend this greensmith in order to improve his golf game. From this point on, Kramer would seek the advice from the Caddy on everything beyond the game of golf much to peril of Kramer and Jackie Childs lawsuit against Sue Ellen Mischke, the heiress to the “Oh Henry” candy estate. The Caddy, feeling somewhat audacious after his help in drastically improving Kramer’s life and golf game, decides to take on the role of a trial lawyer at the end of a trial that would cost Child’s and Kramer a prize of millions of dollars. The trial, based on the impertinence or non-impertinence of wearing “just a bra” in the middle of the public daylight would come into the favor of the Kramer/Child’s symbiosis only to be lost by The Caddy’s “advice” that Kramer so assiduously sought out at the end of the trial, looking for a closing argument. The Caddy’s advice to “have her try the bra on” would prove to be deleterious to the great opportunity in their grasp. The bra didn’t fit, mostly because Mischke had plenty of clothes on underneath, much to the vexation of Child’s who tells Kramer at the end of an episode “I’ve been in this business for a long time, and you listening to a caddy!” Nonetheless, The Caddy did improve Kramer’s golf game and came across with the type of stoic demure needed to eventually become a good trial lawyer, but for now he is on our list mostly for creating a bad ending to one of Kramer and Child’s forays into cheap lawsuits.

25. George Steinbrenner

Steinbrenner, like Keith Hernandez is another baseball icon that lasted more than a couple episodes in the Seinfeld saga. George actually gets a job with the Yankees making Steinbrenner his obvious “higher-up”. The creators of Seinfeld went to town on their version of Steinbrenner making him out to be a non-sensical tycoon, often resembling a chimp. We remember how easily he believed that George worked for Tyler Chicken (7 States below New York) at nights with George flying up for work with the Yankee’s during the day, much to George’s dismay when he found out that he had been traded to Tyler Chicken for chicken in the Yankees concessions stand. We remember how easily Steinbrenner believed that George died because George’s car had not left the Yankee parking lot for over a week, arriving at the parent’s front door with the supposedly lugubrious news. Steinbrenner was a character who leaped beyond all normal gaps in logic coming to rash conclusions at the drop of a sentence, getting excited and anxious over the most trivial of matters, like when he could smell calzones somewhere in the Yankee’s headquarters, frantically seeking George and his calzone bag. Steinbrenner was clearly the work and acumen of the creators of Seinfeld, blowing personalities so out of proportion that they seemed to belong more to mental institutions, than to normal civic life. What the real Steinbrenner must have thought when he saw this version of himself, one could only laugh at when thought about. Who knows, maybe Steinbrenner himself thought it was somewhat accurate.

24. Uncle Leo

Uncle Leo. What’s up with this guy anyway? Why does he always sound like he’s yelling? Is he insane or just mad? Fervent or fanatical? Why is it when he orders a hamburger he automatically assumes the cook is an anti-semite if it comes out burnt? And why does he always grab people by the arm when talking to them? Is it to maintain their undivided attention, to make them feel important or is it like Jerry thinks, a sort of precautionary measure to make sure folks don’t walk away in the middle of his conversation. Uncle Leo leaves us with so many questions, so few answers. He’s an enigma of a man who taught us many good lessons that didn’t solely involve the shoplifting of books. Through Uncle Leo and his peculiarities, we learn there’s a great amount of wisdom to be gained in the idiosyncrasies of crazy old relatives that when given the right amount of suspension from reality could actually be adored rather than just endured. What more can we say other than we love you Uncle Leo, you crazy, arm-grabbing, paranoid, old shoplifter you.

23. The Doorman

The doorman becomes Jerry’s nemesis for one episode in the 6th season. All his doormen buddies for that matter become Jerry’s nemesis for the episode in Jerry’s mind. The Doorman is a self-conscious, abashing character thinking everyone is out to treat him condescendingly because he’s “just a doorman”. Elaine herself would go on to be quoted in the episode as saying “No one’s going to believe the doorman” confirming the condescending nature concerning the doorman position. What starts out as a want for a friendly conversation from the doorman towards Jerry becomes a foray into the doorman’s life, family and self-recognition of the lowly state of his position in the eyes of others. “You think you’re better than me”, “No one want’s to hear what the crazy doorman has to says”. These words from the doorman himself reflect his own recognized position in society. Jerry in wanting to make a mends with the doorman, fills in for him as he goes out “just for a second” to get a beer. What seems like an eternity for Jerry working the position, makes him leave the post before the real doorman gets back leading to a stolen couch. Jerry starts to think that the entire event was a setup by the “doorman and all his little doormen buddies” cueing a scene of doormen frivolously laughing at the poor pedestrian. The perceived disparity in social status between people is displayed perfectly and openly in this episode, something that is ignored for PC reasons in all other shows. The Seinfeld series, never afraid to broach these cores, hits what everyone is REALLY thinking with “The doorman”.

22. Darren the Intern

In case anyone forgot, Darren was the intern for Kramerica Industries, a thriving business run from Kramer’s apartment that was as ingenious as it was inefficient. Darren was a graduate student at NYU and was looking for some real world experience to augment his MBA studies. Little did he know that the “real world” would be the last thing he’d gain experience in, as he would be ordering and taking notes on everything in Kramer’s life from when he was to have lunch with Jerry, to when a Mr. Lomez was calling. Darren also took down the details of the affairs of Kramer’s friends like when George was taking ice cubes from Jerry’s glass of water when Jerry was in the bathroom. All these ostensibly mundane events, Darren jotted down with pert and vigor. It was only when NYU found out about the extraneous adventures of Kramerica, that Darren would be curtailed from working on all of the Kramerian ingenious ideas from combining mustard and ketchup into one bottle, to solving the worlds oil problems by building an oil tanker bladder. Nonetheless, Darren showed commitment to Kramerica by working for Kramer regardless of NYU’s persistence that the company merely “consists of one man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken”. His exuberant youth would inspire Kramer back into working on some of the worst ideas in the world. The Kramer, Darren symbiosis would prove to be one of the most jocular combinations in Seinfeld’s legacy.

21. Aaron the “Close Talker”

I guess it goes without saying that a best Seinfeld character list wouldn’t be complete without including Aaron ‘The Close Talker’. He was Elaine’s boyfriend who had the disconcerting habit of speaking so closely to people that one was never quite sure whether they’re just engaged in a friendly conversation or about to be swallowed whole. Okay so maybe a slight embellishment, but come on, when noses practically touch, you know there’s been a space invasion somewhere in the comfort zone. Watching this episode, you could almost feel the discomfort of the situation yourself as Aaron cornes in and close talks people into uneasiness. It’s almost difficult to watch. But we like Aaron the close talker. There’s something endearing about his character. He’s a strange bird who seems refreshingly oblivious to unspoken societal norms that dictate certain social protocols. Not only is our favourite close talker unaware of how much speaking space is considered appropriate when talking to people, but he also sees nothing out of place about making plans to hang out with Jerry’s parents after meeting them for the very first time. As we remember, Aaron develops a true fondness for the Seinfelds and seems to prefer them over Elaine, his own girlfriend. Making dinner and museum dates, Aaron can barely control his affection for Mr and Mrs. Seinfeld and close talks them into a classically strange Seinfeldian type friendship.