Top 10 Worst Types of Music Fans

The music fan has the most deleterious effect on the music they want to represent.  They can bring good music down to the worst music in the blink of an eye.  It’s hard to be open to style of music when you go to a show for the first time and have to endure these buffoons who take the culture behind the music and give it an excess it’s not in need of.  Sometimes it’s just the fans fault, but most of the time it’s the music genre that spawns these identity thieves.  The fans of these next genres are noticeable, leading to the sense that the genres are idealized over the substance.  It’s with a hint of nausea that one will pursue these shows enduring the crowd while trying to actually listen to the music, unless of course you want to be part of the crowd, the crowd that defines the band, rather than the other way around.

10. Blues fans

Let it go, seriously. Who goes to these blues festivals? Who the fuck could have the blues anymore? The blues over what? The fact that you’ve lost your enviable retirement supplement? The fact that the world is currently in a state of “disharmony”. Do people just like the style? How do people still want to go to the bar to hear random generic blues? It’s the same thing over and over again. How can anyone be satisfied with this? Just listen to a Robert Johnson box set and get over it. The blues were born in a context that has long since past. You can’t relive the blues that someone like Robert Johnson felt and you will never hear it again, so why are you going back to it? The comfort in the past never visited; the identities first attempt at self-idealization.

9. Jimmy Buffet Fans (Parrotheads)

It’s actually difficult to criticize “Parrotheads” because they’re so unselfconscious of their own actions that they’re sincere.  Regardless these people are annoying to be around.  You find them in hotels following around Jimmy Buffet, drunk 24/7 singing the same 2 or 3 popular Jimmy Buffet songs that I don’t care to go into now out of the unwanted grimace of recognizing those songs.  These fans are well beyond their middle age and are trying to live young again.  People say age is a state of mind…not when your face looks like leather and you spray paint your beard white.  You’re very much your age.  An age that is very much old that is giving it’s last shot at being young.  Hopelessly romantic, or just hopeless?  Either way, there’s an alternative graceful-aging that should be the hope of those young.

8. Heavy Metal fans

Heavy metal fans are a lot like video game nerds.  Where some people drown their sorrows in their parent’s basement by playing video games, some go out to heavy metal shows, dressed in the stereotypical all black, and mosh or headbang. When you think about moshing, its just a bunch of guys rubbing on each other, which, if you think about it, is kind of gay. Just like the hardcore gamer there are very few girls at these events, as most girls don’t like heavy metal. This further frustrates the heavy metal fan and leads to further violence amongst them. The heavy metal fan also likes to claim that they are railing against the life of the common man, the average, or the normal people. They do this by dressing exactly the same, wearing the same color, growing their hair long, and doing whatever they can to become indistinguishable from the next fan. This little contradiction never cross the heavy metal fan’s mind. Sadly, we here at OW love a number of heavy metal bands and have been to a number of heavy metal shows. Oddly enough we dressed in our typical jeans and a t-shirt where the most unique people at the show. One time I had to go straight from work which had me where a white polo. For those who don’t know white is the only color that can physically harm the heavy metal fan. Anyway I got a lot of bad looks at that show.

7. Ska Fans

You don’t find ska fans many places and this is a good thing, because if you did the world would be a massively annoying place.  Instead you find them in the confines of small clubs with mobster top hats on and suspenders mimicking the style of The Specials.  They dance like assholes.  They don’t know how to dance.  The music is goofy and so are they.  Where does the instinct come from to enjoy this music?  Where was the instinct to transfer the horn sound into pop music?  Out of all the orchestral instruments that made the transition to pop music, the horn played in staccato has to be the most annoying.  I claim no understanding in the instincts of where people start liking this music.  I just know I don’t like being around it nor it’s fans.

6. Rap fans

Yes, you’re tough.  You look like you’ve come from “the streets” even though your street is blooming with evanescent willows.  Yes, your pants are falling off your legs.  Yes, you have a scar on your face that you probably gave to yourself because you saw that Eminem gave one to himself.  Yes, your car speakers has no frequency higher that can be heard higher than 25 HZ.  Yes, your car sounds like it’s about to explode.  Yes, you wear your hat backwards late at night in attempts to court trampy women.  Yes, all these signs point to the fact to that you’re tough.  Yes, you need all these signs to point to the fact that you’re tough.

5. Dave Matthews fans

Have you ever been to a Frat party? How do you feel about Birkenstocks? Backwards hats with curved brims? Greek letters? Chugging terrible beer? Keg stands? If the answer to each of these questions is resoundingly positive, then you may be  fan of the Dave Matthews Band. What is more interesting is that DMB is actually a talented band, with a  world renowned drummer, bassist, and saxophone player. Oh they also have this gigantic dude that plays violin. I don’t know if he is any good, and I don’t want to be the guy who tells him otherwise. In any case we here at OW generally like this band but boy do we hate the fans. They are either insanely obsessed or drunks looking for a party. Or sometimes both. We have even heard of DMB fans who will only listen to DMB because they claim nothing else is even worth it. Further research has even shown that there is an on going feud between DMB fans and Blink 182 fans. Why is completely beyond us. Going to a DMB show is like watching every jock, frat boy, and sorority slut get so hammered they forget they were even at the show. But don’t worry they have pictures on facebook to prove they were there.

4. Punk fans

Punk fans don’t like music.  At least they don’t like anything substantial in music. They are more interested in the style of the music, meaning how the band appears aesthetically on stage and the quantity of pierced rings are on the band members faces.  When punk isn’t so obviously expressive in it’s aesthetic repugnancy, it relies on a supposed understanding of anything political.  In comes The Clash, one of the most Overrated Bands of all time.  Instead of wearing your heart of your sleeve physically, you wear your heart on your brain disingenuously.  You read the most superficial account of the Sandinista revolution and somehow equate it as a total repudiation of American foreign Policy.  Anything that can decenter you to others is what’s more important for you.  This argument is tired.  It has to go without saying at this point.

3. Emo fans

Drooping razor edged hair, an operable-to-all sulk, a little eye liner below the eye, the Emo fan wants you to know about them.  Nobody else wants to know about them and never did, so that’s when they turn towards the appearance, the appearance that wants attention, needs attention, and seeks it in the hidden corners of the most marginalized places of modern suburbia.  One day maybe someone will come around and truly understand your plight of always being misunderstood, or rather, never trying to be understood because you weren’t important enough.  Either way, sympathy for the sake of sympathy may come along with another is bored, and together you can feel sorry for yourselves feeling sorry for yourselves.  Objectless, without any idea, the height of egoism is Emo’s inner soft shell.

2. Phish fans

What’s the difference between a  DMB fan and a Phish fan? Drug use. Your average DMB fan drinks a lot of beer, smokes some weed, and depending on how rich and white they are, do a little coke. Your average Phish fan is on everything from LSD to Heroin almost all the time. Where the DMB fan wears clean pressed button up shirts, the Phish fan might change cloths once or twice a year and generally walks around smelling like patchouli oil. Which, by the way, barely covers up the constant weed smell, since they smoke pot like cigarettes. Much like the DMB fan they are obsessed with all things Phish. I have even heard stories about fans doing Heroin because lead singer Trey Anastasio was doing it. The difference being they were dirt poor, couldn’t afford it, and generally don’t have jobs. Much like the DMB fan, we here at OW enjoy most of Phish’s albums but, once again, their fans are terrible people who try to pretend it’s still the seventies. If it wasn’t for this band the tie dye industry would have disappeared years ago. Yet despite OW’s best efforts people still buy these terrible t-shirts.

1. Indie Fans

Indie fans are the worst fans of any genre in the history of music.  They wear the tightest jeans imaginable to the point of buying woman’s jeans if it’s possible.  They walk like storks with their elbows always turned behind their hips.  They wear tight ass T-shirts with some logo on it representing something either socially perfunctory (that they think is significant) or something in the guise of an absurdity in the attempts at making another laugh.  The craving of attention inside the Indie Fan is much like the emo fan except with the ostensible hope that their attention-seeking is methodologically more sophisticated.  This is more gross than the Emo fan when the mask of ball hugger sized jeans is unmasked and the secret loser is revealed.  Only someone of this disposition could listen to such abominable  music that loves to think it‘s quality in it‘s unchecked “creativity“.