‘Sup A-Holes? Every day, through several channels, we are told how much you hate our little corner of the interbutts. We are reminded daily that we are the electronic dingleberry of the world wide web. We are the digital pimple on the pixilated face of the gaming culture. I have to say, we really don’t mind the rampant farting in our general directions; in fact, we bask in its stank. However, just to let you Klingons know we hear you, here are the top 10 reasons OW sucks the big one.
10. We are too erratic, we should stick to gaming.
Yeah, it’s hard to be stuck to gaming when we spend so much time stuck to your mother—OH!!!!! So what, we game. While we make it clear that we, our selves, are gamers, we never stated that this was a gamer site. In fact, we have repeatedly stated that this site is an extension of our ridiculous real-life conversations. We are both college educated lads with scientific degrees, we are a bit more diverse than just gaming. Besides, after a 14 hour Magic session and a 12 pack of mountain dew you can get sort of gamed-out. You want games, go to IGN. You want nonsense, come to OW.
9. We are not/terrible/failed journalists.
Ah, yes. I fell into software development when my career as a blurb writer fo some hip indie press didn’t pan out. Did we ever claim to be journalists? Have I ever asked you to proofread my New Yorker submissions? No. I sat in a pub, or in my living room, yelling at/with zeromage, and we decided to publish it. I think the moment of clarity was when zero said to me “You are such a stubborn, stodgy, ridiculous a-hole, but I can guarantee someone on the internet would still agree with you.” Thusly, old-wizard was born.
8. We are stuck perpetually in 1994.
Can’t really argue here. As far as I’m concerned it’s always 1994, 1994 just gets better every year. My acne cleared up and I got a girl to marry me, didn’t see that coming 14 years ago.
7. We destroy your myspace inbox.
Hey jackass, easy fix: delete us as a friend if you don’t like it. We send them out when we publish new articles. We’re on MS solely to keep people abreast of our new content, we have no desire to have more fans or friends than Tilla Tequilla. We will never mention that name on this site ever again, I promise.
6. We are not funny.
We are not funny because you have no sense of humor. We are offensive because you have no sense of humor. You don’t like us because you have no sense of humor. That’s fine, that’s why there are literally millions of websites on the internet, to cater to everyone’s tastes. Just because you play games doesn’t mean you need to like us. Hell, I don’t eat meat but I can’t stand Peta.
5. We are Nintendo fan-boys.
Do you want to know why I hate SEGA? There are 2 reasons why my hatred runs so deep. 1) My original nes still works, and so do all of my games. 2) SEGA made me buy SEGA CD and it made me play Sewer Shark. I saved up my hard earned money, and do you know how long I played it? As long as it took Metallica to play its Woodstock 94 set. Nintendo had awesome add-ons. Even U-Force was pretty awesome. When the power glove proved lame, it was still a rad accessory to my Darth Vader Halloween costume when I was 14. Sega burned me, and it burned me badly. It will never be forgiven and Sonic 3D made me throw up several times. Not even the glory of NHL 94 (how many 1994 references is that?) could redeem my tainted (lol, i said taint) opinion of sega. Not even Brodie yelling “Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, the Whale, they beat Vancouver, what, once, maybe twice in a lifetime?” can change my mind. Go to hell Sega, and take your fan boys with you.
4. We perpetuate the idea that video games lead to violence.
This complaint ranks up there with the complaints we receive about out scariest games article. What would you do if Tipper Gore went on CNN today and proclaimed Bayou Billy was ruining the youth of America? Would you take it seriously, or would you post that shit on youtube for the entire planet to laugh at? Yet, you take us seriously. Us. Old-Wizard, the duo that brought you the top ten reasons to not use a public bathroom. Really? REALLY?
3. We are factually inaccurate.
This is untrue. We have a team of fact checking donkeys that are mind-linked with the interwebs and three kittens who have each memorized one third of the 1994 version of Encyclopedia Britannica who edit every single article we write before we ever even write it. We’re thorough, bichez.
2. We just don’t care what our readers think of us.
You got us here. We really just don’t care.
1. We are Oasis obsessed.
This is as much an inside joke as it is true. When Zero and I first ran into each other after not seeing each other since we were about 9, we had this argument. I am much louder than Zeromage. MUCH, much louder. I was shouting about how the Beatles were the greatest group ever, and that any group that comes close to their greatness will never reach it because they have unavoidingly taken something from the Beatles in the process. Zeromage stood up to me with the argument that Oasis was a better band than the Beatles. Zeromage honestly believes this as fact. He has arguments, facts, statistics, spreadsheets, and EERDs of data warehouses devoted to this fact. Not only that, but he has a gang of friends who have his back on this. For years, every time we ran into each other, we would end up in a shouting match about this. His dedication to his cause, and his painstaking research on the topic, have made it impossible for me to win the argument. Although I (DM) do not agree, I can not beat Zero and I have conceded and allowed the official stance of OW to proclaim its man-love for Oasis. Whatev…
oh boy…
hahaha this is great. Somehow, people will still find a way to complain about stuff they already complained about in the past.
Oasis is the greatest band in the world
You suck, we suck, we all suck…
there i said it…
now back to bashing sega!
You forgot a couple:
“You constantly talk about console wars that have been over for a decade”
“You put Nirvana on the Top 10 Most Overrated Bands List”
“You antagonize your readers by answering their emails with insults”
“You make fun of other websites for no real reason except you don’t like them”
“You don’t like the new Star Wars movies because you’re stuck in the 80s”
Ah, Nick. You’re right, I probably could have made a top 100.
“You constantly talk about console wars that have been over for a decade”
we are still waging those console wars and we are still at war with the same nation we were durring those console wars. I still have my desert storm trading cards.
“You put Nirvana on the Top 10 Most Overrated Bands List”
I love Nirvanna, but it’s still true.
“You antagonize your readers by answering their emails with insults”
That’s because it hurts my eyes to read some of the 1337 speaking script-kiddie responses we get. After a few of those I want to yell at everyone…and typically do.
“You make fun of other websites for no real reason except you don’t like them”
um…i think that’s a real reason, actually.
“You don’t like the new Star Wars movies because you’re stuck in the 80s”
I don’t like the new SW movies because they did not live up to the original promise of what could have been episodes 1-3; not in script, not in acting, not in effects, not in loyalty to the originals, not in any way as far as I’m concerned. It’s like jesus came back and we were expecting rapture and all we got was a high-five.
the beatles are highly overrated, too.
haha..Funny shit
LOL!!! Everyone loves to hate the OW!
Sega blows. So does Oasis. There, I said it.
Hmm… Maybe you SHOULD make a top 100. I’d endorse that with money. If I had any, but you know what I mean.
And I see nothing wrong with being stuck in 1994… Or bashing Sega. Only worthwhile thing they did in my eyes was the Dreamcast… And even that’s a stretch.
HILARIOUS post! This site just keeps getting better and better!
LOL @ number 5. This was a great post.
SEGA rules.
And you’re reasons for hating sega are the most lamest I have ever read.
I bet you live in england lol the way you talk and if so it’s no wonder why you suck.
SEGA and sonic are the best here in america.
sonic showed up in lots of other movies as a float and as toys and even sega’s game gear in jackie chan movies and in the forbidden kingdom movie the main character has a dreamcast in his room and he loves virtua fighter 2 also made by sega, so yeah sega is cool.
can anyone name any other movies mario showed up in? OH!! wait you can’t lol cause there is none lol OW sucks big time.
Fuck this article. Old-Wizard rules. You guys need to write an article on the top 10 reasons why Old-Wizard is great. Go Nintendo!
I once would be up in arms about some of the top 10 lists that Old Wizard would make, but that was until I realized they’re only designed to bring in web traffic. So yes Old Wizard, keep posting to N4G.com, cause it’s the only way you’re going to keep getting people back to your site.
fucking homos
My god, your an idiot Armadillo. If something were great just because a lot of people saw it in the movies, than our virtues in life would be based of the Titanic, and scientists would be burned at the steak for suggesting that their are factual inaccuracies in Armageddon. As for Sega, they made a few, at most, good games, and died because smart people finally got fed up with their bullshit.
While Mario is seldom featured in movies, and when he is, the movie is often terrible, at least he’s in either decent or perfect games. Fuck, the shittiest game he’s been in is Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (thank you for ruining everything again Sega, you didn’t deserve to get Sonic in Smash Bros).
Nintendo learned from its mistakes, and at least it could actually send its characters into 3-D without sucking ass. Sega has made about 5 or more 3-D games about Sonic (and the unforgivable travesty that was Shadow), and yet they still can’t get it right. I hate Sega, their like an actor who makes 3 decent films, and then stars in an assload of films that make millions and are terrible. Mother of the Crucified Christ! I fucking hate Sega!
great list!
The only reason I come here is because you’re Oasis obsessed.
The Beatles are the greatest band of all time. Whoever thinks they are’nt are obviously tripping!
Yeah this list is awsome. I graduated in 94 so I like to think that time froze after that. I agree with the sega CD piece of sh*t and don’t for get the CDX, what a waste, just so I could play a dumbed down verison of Doom. Oh and for the record I have said Nirvana is the most overrated band ever!!!
Best list ever
Listen, you cunts: shut your shit up about Sega. You don’t know jack-fucking-balls about them.
You don’t like the Sega CD because of its pack-in game? How about Sonic CD, Lunar, Snatcher, Shining Force CD or Robo Aleste? It’s not Sega’s fault you played the wrong games. Honestly, I’m sure you absolutely love the Wii since Nintendo created it, but if you judged it solely by Wii Sports, then your opinion of it would be DEAD WRONG. Plus, according to your list of most overrated games, you apparently only play many of the games for about ten minutes. Notice how you can’t tell us anything about Earthworm Jim outside of the first level? Anything about Shining Force outside of the first battle (which kicked your ass on the first battle because you apparently have the brain-capacity of a chimp)? It’s fine to blame, but put the blame where it’s due.
I’m fine with humor, parody, and cynicism, but you morons actually believe the stupid shit that comes out of your mouths.
You people are still too stupid and narrow-minded to accept that Sega is every bit as good as your overrated Nintendo. Also; your top game of all time is Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past? Let me tell you something right here and right now: Panzer Dragoon Saga for the Sega Saturn will eternally destroy any Zelda game, and any Nintendo game ever produced. I don’t care what your response to that is; you fucking lose. Nintendo’s been making the same 10 games for 25 years now; Sega never stopped creating innovative properties while they were alive in the console business.
Sega was art; Nintendo is business. Now they’re showing their true colors by betraying all of you fuckers and pandering to the gaming-illiterate casual market.
Logan, you’re awesome.
sega will never die
sega always had tons of fun games and if I went back in time I wouldn’t change a thing and I would grow up all over again as a sega fan.
I agree with everything Old-Wizard.com says! Wait… Old-Wizard.com says they suck. Hmmm… this puts me in a quandary. Let me think… Okay, I’ll agree that you suck!
Seriously, love your site. Who cares if people don’t agree with your posts. That’s the beauty of free speech – your opinion is your own.
Keep up the great work! But seek professional help for this Oasis problem. Geez, you’re scaring me.
Make Mine Old-Wizard!
The Irredeemable Shag
http://onceuponageek.com
France sucks.
if you were real nintedo fan boys you would love the N64
its not even in your top 10
@James McCloud
it might not be in our top 10, but it’s hooked up to my TV right now, SUCKA!!!!!!
This site is worthless. Someone posts a legitimate argument, and all you focus on is a comment about the Nintendo 64. Have fun shitting into your own mouths, guys.
this here prove just how awesome the genesis/mega drive was and still is, beat this old wiz.
SONICS ULTIMATE GENESIS COLLECTION coming winter 2009 to ps3 and xbox 360
THE LARGEST SEGA GENESIS COLLECTION TO DATE!
Take a trip back in time with over 40 titles from the SEGA Genesis® era, including your Sonic The Hedgehog favorites, for only $29.95! In classic single-player and multiplayer battles, you’ll take down a huge variety of enemies, including Sonic’s nemesis Dr. Eggman (AKA Dr. Robotnik), shuriken-flinging ninjas, hordes of altered beasts and the world’s greatest fighting champions.
FEATURES:
• THE LARGEST COLLECTION OF CLASSIC SEGA TITLES. All the favorites are here including Sonic The Hedgehog, four titles from the Phantasy Star™ series, as well as three titles from the Streets of Rage™ series, to name a few.
• UNLOCKABLE CONTENT. Unlock arcade games and interviews with the original game developers as you earn Achievements on the Xbox 360® and Trophies on the PLAYSTATION®3.
• ALL TITLES UPGRADED TO HI-DEF. The classic 2D style never looked so good! Each of the titles has been converted to hi-def (720p) and will be a blast to play using the intuitive controls of the Xbox 360® and PLAYSTATION®3 systems.
• MASSIVE MULTIPLAYER OPTIONS. Play these classics together with a friend from the same console at home.
GAMES INCLUDE:
Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle
Alien Storm
Altered Beast
Beyond Oasis
Bonanza Bros.
Columns
Comix Zone
Decap Attack starring Chuck D. Head
Dr. Robotnik’s MBM
Dynamite Headdy
Ecco the Dolphin
Ecco II: The Tides of Time
E-SWAT
Fatal Labyrinth
Flicky
Gain Ground
Golden Axe I
Golden Axe II
Golden Axe III
Kid Chameleon
Phantasy Star II
Phantasy Star III: Generations of Doom
Phantasy Star IV: The End of the Millennium
Ristar
Shining in the Darkness
Shining Force
Shining Force 2
Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master
Sonic 3D Blast
Sonic and Knuckles
Sonic Spinball
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Sonic the Hedgehog 3
Streets of Rage
Streets of Rage 2
Streets of Rage 3
Super Thunder Blade
Vectorman
Vectorman 2
*Unlockable games to be revealed soon!
@Logan
I stopped reading your “legitimate” argument half way through the first sentence. If you want someone to engage you, try not to call them c@nts off the bat.
@Mighty the Armadillo
You’re right, that does look dope. Golden Axe & Fantasy Star were rad games, the price is worth them alone.
Ah. Good point, that.
Still, I really think that Nintendo Fanboys like yourself do strive much too hard to find things wrong with Sega that really weren’t that bad. Honestly, your list of the top 5 worst video game systems was stupidly biased. Your reasons for disliking Sega are seriously flawed; the reason why you dislike the Sega CD so much is because you played the wrong game. Over and over. Pull out an emulator and play some of these and you’ll see how much potential the system really had:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifg5nKVMCeU
The system had about 20-some great games; the Nintendo 64 only had about 20-some great games, yet people remember it as this stupendous system. Your list of worst systems ever included both the Genesis and Dreamcast, which are generally considered two of the greatest systems ever. You never gave them a chance; your mindless brand-loyalty to Nintendo makes you reject the concept of a Sega system being good simply from seeing the “Sega” logo on the system.
I’m just saying, if you’re gonna criticize any work of art (videogames are an artform), then you should give valid reasons to do so, not isolated failures amongst a history of excellence and innovation. Do your research, and do it with an open mind. There’s more to writing than just shock value.
Logan,
Thanks for the civil argument. Obviously if this were a straight video game site or a gaming magazine I would be a bit more unbiassed with my reviews (OUR reviews, actually. I may be the least fan-boy of the site writers). It makes no sense to write off SEGA completely simply because I don’t like sewer shark. HOWEVER, in this case I’m bashing SEGA for laughs, not to be a troll. I’m not trying to goad you into arguments about stupid 10 year old console wars, I’m trying to get you to facepalm and say *ugh…that WAS such a bad game* and maybe laugh a bit. I mean…did you look at the title of this list? the fanaticism I’m using is written to specifically mock my self! Everyone loves to hate this site, it was fun to let you know that we see that side of our selves and are willing to turn the tables on our selves a bit. We are old (gaming-wise), cranky, unreasonable bastards that write this stuff to make our selves laugh and to vent. If we make you laugh, so be it, but we are definitely not trying to make anyone happy. Worst case scenerio in our eyes is that we make you mad and get to talk to you about it. How many sites spend as much time in dialog with their readers as we do?
Fairly new to the site, but wonderfully put, DM. I find your brand of humor incredibly entertaining even if I totally disagree with something you say. Because I know that it’s for laughs. It’s even funnier, yet slightly maddening, that people still leave such thought-out arguments. It really is great to push people’s buttons.
You guys took this too seriously, games are meant to be fun and enjoyed…
I like you guys most of the time, its just your Wii VS. PS3 thing that pisses me off. Its really no use trying to refute your comparison, its a matter of opinion (even though your opinion is stupid XD) I just don’t like how you ruthlessly attacked the PS3 for no apparent reason, and then criticize fan boys for trying to stick up for their console. I hate hypocrisy. Still though, you guys have some pretty good stuff, like this article.
Gotcha. It does get really frustrating though, because people actually believe these things. You actually talk to people in the realm of gaming who honestly believe that Sega was just a bunch of programming dunces who merely got lucky by resonating with a single franchise, but they just went and fucked that up. It seems as though the MAJORITY of gamers believe this, in fact. They can only name about three Sega franchises and tend to think one of them sucks (usually because they didn’t take the time to understand the gameplay). There’s a decade and a half of great games from a once-great company that’re being ignored because of this overbearing ignorance of the gaming community as a whole to Sega’s history. This is directly caused by people carelessly observing that Nintendo still exists and Sega is doing terribly and jump to the conclusion that Sega failed simply because they sucked and Nintendo didn’t. This opinion is now all over the place, and it’s impossible to tell who believes it and who doesn’t. When something is comedy, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold the comedian’s true opinion within it. I’m fine with comedy, and I normally wouldn’t be so annoyed by a negative opinion of something like a video game company, of all things, but there’s just SO MUCH OF IT regarding Sega, and it’s impossible to tell who means it and who doesn’t.
@ Logan:
I hear you. One of the great misconceptions of this site is that we are a collective mind. O-W thinks this or that. Bear in mind that there are several different writers and we go out of our way to NOT align ourselves for the sake of continuity. In this case, we grab onto something relatively benign, like the idea that we like NES more than Genesis, and we beat it to death to make ourselves laugh. I fully understand your & chabos9′s points. We have made a pact over the past few monthes to try to be more objective and less fan-boyish. As our reader base grew from just ourselves to thousands of gamers unexpectedly this year, we learned a LOT about how our jokes can inspire fury in a reader. The jokes and general crankiness will never stop, i promise, but we would like to be more objective about what we are angry with. SEGA is a dead horse, we’re too creative to keep beating it.
You do realise that there is no objective way of saying Oasis is better than the Beatles, right? It is FACTUALLY impossible for Zeromage to have facts on Oasis being better than The Beatles.
@ Hector
I think he makes them up.
Thank you for vowing never to mention that herpes sore ever again. I’d mention her name, but I’m doing the same thing, because just as cockroaches thrive in excrement, she gets stronger the more shit is slung her way. If you ignore it, it will die some glorious day.
Wait, why is this back? Oh well. Oasis and Sega still blow, but who am I to judge? I think Metallica is the greatest band ever. Keep up the good work guys.
querida old-lagoogle.com
u only suck big floppy donkey huevos. otherwise u aight.
el maestro yoda
Next time you argue with Zeromage about Oasis, mention that Oasis copied the Beatles’ looks and music. Wikipedia it, it’s worth it.
lol…
Hi Guys,
DestructoMaximo here.
We were the target of some hate mongering crackers…That’s the reason the site is so jacked right now. We will be back, and hopefully we can recover those old articles, but for the mean time we are VERY upset about what went down. There were some discussions about patriotism on our forums recently, not just for the US, but an open forum to readers of ALL nations. As you know, everything we write and do is in good fun. The thing about the WWW is that, well, it’s WW. There are some people in this world who have not been exposed to freedom of speech, or freedom of religion. These people feel that the defense of someone’s national pride is an attack on their own beliefs and purpose in life. When you run a site like this, primarily in PHP, and have such open dialog, you leave your self open to fairly easy attacks. These cowards are ignorant script kiddies who think that a little John the Ripper tutorial and some Jaunty Jackalope gives them the right to destroy something we here work very hard for. Of course, if these were your run of the mill lolcat morons, it might be fun to retaliate with some real knowledge and make a game of it, but this particular attack was perpetrated by extremists who lack even the ability to find icanhaz mildly amusing. In short, these cowards can go ef themselves. I curse them with the bellies of 1000 cheezeburgers. O-W will be back to normal soon, and I apologize to anyone who had to witness the site while it was hijacked.
DM
Well that explains the question i was going to ask:P unfortunately whomever wrote those more extreme comments will probably be back.
We know…that’s why we’re in limbo right now. Do we spend the time & effort (I personally work 2 full time software jobs) to add a list of games or movies that will be destroyed, or do we hold off and see what happens?
You do whatever you have to do, stick to your guns, and when and if you have time to make a list you make a list, i know if i was working two jobs i wouldn’t be writing a website on the side, I’m a lazy sum bitch:P But if i was in your position i would be doing the same thing. I may not always agree with you guys, but keep up the good work and the good fight and never give up!:P