Q: Is this site for real?
A: You’re looking at an image on a computer. How do you know that’s real? What is real?
Q: Who are you guys?
A: We are the servants of a sacred fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor….we’re two deeply troubled non-emo guys that really have too much time on our hands. Old school gamers looking at how we can get out of working full-time jobs and play games as a career.
Q: How long have you guys been gaming?
A: Forever. In days of our short-pants we were making up R.P.G.’s. Lego’s were a staple part of our diet. Next came dungeons and dragons and that sated us for a while. Magic the gathering came into the picture sometime in high school and that was followed by a sudden interest in warhammer. In this day and age, we’re playing everything from video games to board games.
Q: What is Old-Wizard.com?
A: It’s a gaming site that takes pleasure in antagonizing its readers. Hence, the snippy answers.
Q: Why do you call the website Old-Wizard?
A: Someone mentioned the old wizards from the Zelda series in an email to us and in that moment, the name of the site was born.
Q: What do you review?
A: Magic, Warhammer, video games, R.P.G.s, and other games.
Q: Will I be put on a government list because I visited this site?
A: First off, you’re already here. Second, we cannot claim responsibility for any damage or trauma brought upon you for visiting this site.
Q: Your website offends me, who can I write to?
A: The Dali Llama
Q: How come you don’t review Pokemon?
A: Mind your own business.
Q: Can I submit a review?
A: Sure.
Q: Will it get published?
A: Doubtful.
Q: That sucks.
A: If it’s good maybe we’ll consider it.
Q: Why do you guys do this?
A: Were trying to make gaming our career. It’s not just a job, its an adventure!
Q: Bing tiddle tiddle bang?
A: Hab SoSli’ Quch!
Top 5 Ways to Antagonize Your Viewer
5. Read the Most Obvious Philosophy.
That’s right, you’re only 10-20 books away from being well-read! Yay! And sure, Plato’s political views would end in the type of censorship that would’ve had nearly all content banned in all but the most hero-worshiping video games, and sure his metaphysics seem misplaced as anything more than a speculation about cognition (a form of ‘template theory’), but who cares! You have a folder of undergrad philosophy syllabi — this gives you immense authority. As we all know, all the best philosophy happened hundreds or thousands of years ago, and there’s little need to engage in its modern incarnations. The unfolding of technology and culture can’t possibly help advance philosophy… right?
4. Pretend That Final Fantasy is a Real Game, While Insulting Harder Games for Being too Easy.
We all love FF, at minimum 2 and 3 — 7 for the mainstream converts. But we can’t admit it’s little more than a controller-aided movie. With no spatial considerations in battle, coupled with a limited amount of possible moves (especially for melee), beating FF is about as hard as hitting “Play” on a VHS player.
3. Hate Forms of Atheism and Theism Simultaneously While Never Divulging Your Own Stance.
By hating both, we will transcend religion itself, or at least the inflexible metaphysics of the commoners, and become as though God, or Not-God, himself. This will alienate people on both sides of the fence so well that in their confusion they will envy our, merely implied, silhouette of typical beliefs. In our antique and misplaced love of rationalism (Kant, Plato), our outward hatred will glow with spiritual delights that will glimmer in the eyes of the commoner — who needs a God or Not-God when you have us?
2. Make Sure Your Commitment to Rationalism is Never Exposed as a Form of Emotional Weakness.
Emotions are for “women”, the “rabble”, the “incontinent”, the weak. The Jedi fought emotions, unlike most of the side of Good throughout the 20th century. So to will we. Oh yeah, and Kant. And Plato. And Aristotle. Well, OK, the vast amount of essentialist philosophers until the 20th century ripped that idea a new hole — but we need not discuss modern tings, for they are devoid of co-optable authority. Though we are passional pseudo-artists who live in the mechanics of fantasy world-generation, this would be a hole in the wall allowing the smallest hint of weakness to seep through — and we can’t have that.
1. Hate Your Self
If you hate yourself, then all bases are covered. Become an unrelatable hate-monger, bask in the hate of others and hate their hate of you, because as long as all things are hated, we are hidden, unexposed, and safe in the illusion of a transcendent originality.